December 04, 2004 - 9:16 pm
This use to be like a second home. A place where I felt safe, comfortable. I escaped for awhile for reasons unknown, this time I could be just visitiing or dare I say not. (I do not make promises I can not keep). It's nice to be welcomed with the familiar gray box, just barely cold from my absence.
I do not know why I am here. Filling in time, taking up space while I wait. I'm always waiting for someone or something or someone. No, that was not a typo.
It does feel good to be writing again, even if it's pure nothingness up to this point. It hasn't changed anything, made anything better. I'm still just here letting my fingers walk along the keys as they please. I am not thinking, just following their lead.
I'm following the same path I found 2 and half years ago and I'm terrified. I'm in like with someone I barely know, that someone being the someone whom I wait for.
Waiting is torturous. The clock moves but it does not, every second, millisecond, nanosecond leisurely clicks by as though time has no significance to someone like me and I hate myself for having nothing better to do than anticipate his arrival. An arrival that is not 100% guaranteed.
Another online fling with the life expectancy of nil (or so I predict) and I feel so pathetic for allowing myself to sense these things again, behaving the way I am and have.
But damnit he has a hold on me and it's different than before. It's tighter and mutual. Just to see him smile, to make him laugh makes or breaks me.
Speak of the devil, my waiting is over. Now what? My heartbeat is faster, my hands suddenly became sweaty. I can't think. I don't want to give in damnit, I don't want to jump for him but I just can't help myself.
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